Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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