Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
