I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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