if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
