The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
