Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
