I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
