Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
