Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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