i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
