I looked at my own cervix.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
