I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
