did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
