Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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