Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
