She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
