Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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