Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
