He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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