No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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