I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
