what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
