i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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