i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
