I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
