I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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