I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize