take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
