Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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