We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
