Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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