i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
