And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
