did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
