I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
