I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
you never un-have a 4some
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
