This is not my ceiling
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Vodka?
Forever.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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