Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
