I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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