he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
