I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
