So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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