today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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