It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
