I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize