Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
