i think i have two assholes
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
