I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
