two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
