Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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