It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
