did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
