Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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