I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
