im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
