Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
