Don't make out with my wife yet
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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