Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
