thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you would pick up someone in the library
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
