Will you blow on my dice?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize