Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
