All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We're too hungover to prance.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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