please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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