you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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