all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
